So, I’m sick. Like coughing-up-a-lung, can’t-breath-because-my-nose-is-totally stuffed, sneeze-between-every-word, trying-not-to-vomit-on-my-desk sick. But I had to work at 8 am today. So when I woke up at 7:55, I already knew it was going to be rough. I threw on the closest clothes I could find, which included two shirts that don’t match, one of which is inside out. I tried to throw my hair up into a clip but I missed one side so it was half and half. I grabbed a roll of toilet paper (which ended up hanging out my purse) and a bottle of cranberry juice and ran out the door. Now, nearly two hours later, I still haven’t talked to a single person, the phone has not rang once, and neither of my bosses are here. Remind me again why I had to be here at 8 am.
Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Moaning Myrtle went alone too and was killed by a giant snake.
Been home all day. Alone. Didn’t even get out about bed until…like 2 pm. Spent half the time on the couch, watching romance movies and trolling tumblr and the other half in the computer office, googling and listening to sad love songs. And during all this, I keep going over everything in my head. I need somebody to please smother me with a pillow. Instead, I will continue to lie on the couch and eat an entire box of pudding.
Fuck everything. Cause half of it’s going wrong. Seriously, we must have some hardcore bad karma because life is just kicking us while we’re down. And sure, there’s improvement here and there but it’s fake. It’s all a big facade. It’s booze and food, is what it is. It’s hidden pain, emotional and physical. It’s just being alone all day, every day. Again, physically and emotionally. And it gets better from time to time, like not being alone physically does help. But let’s face it, inside always feels alone. And no matter how much I know that you’re always with me and she is too, the fact is that you’re not. And she’s definitely not. She’s gone forever. And somehow we have to deal with that. But right now, I can’t. Right now it seems like I can’t deal with anything. And the problem is that I was damaged goods before all this. I already was fucked up inside. But that was manageable. That was ok. Except now, the pills aren’t helping. They don’t make the depression go away. They don’t help the sleep come. They don’t settle the anxieties. So why take them? Why give myself the false hope? Why knows, but I still do. Maybe it’s because I know it helps you guys. Which is a little tiring. Like sometimes it’s almost a little better to be alone because I know how much work I can be. So I put on a show and that’s a lot of work too. Life is hard, it’s true. But maybe being alone is better. You don’t depend on people, you don’t get attached, you don’t get annoyed, and you don’t get hurt. But also, you don’t hurt them either. You don’t sit and watch yourself bring them down and be a burden on everyone around you. You just swallow up into yourself until no one would notice if you disappeared. But who knows? Maybe that’s just the depression talking but I honestly can’t tell. I change moods faster than the weather changes. I don’t know anymore what’s the real me and what’s just the emptiness.
Two summers ago my two best friends, Zach and Josh, began a new tradition where they would stand outside my two story bedroom window and throw
rocks quarters/assorted change at it until I answered. Then once I did they would convince me to get out of my warm, loving bed, get dressed, and go on some crazy late night run with them. Of course, this would be anywhere between midnight and 4 am. So tonight, I’m sitting in bed, writing, and all the sudden I start hearing this weird little knocking and/or tapping noise every few seconds. At first I’m a little freaked out but then I think “hey! maybe it’s them.” So I text Zach and ask if he’s outside my window and he sadly replies no :( Which sucks because I could totally use a little 3 am food run just to get out of the house and away from my own thoughts. It also sucks because that means I just woke him up. Whoops! He’s such a good friend though, ain’t even mad. Just asks why I’m not sleeping (just cause I’m not that tired) then proceeds to fall back asleep. This just leaves me, alone again, in bed, wondering what the fuck was making the noise and being a little freaked out (thank you father-in-law for making me watch Ghost Hunters a bunch today and telling me stories of paranormal encounters at the haunted bowling alley) but luckily I realize I am not alone for I have you, my Tumblr and all my lovely followers, who are always here for me when I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to leave the comfort of my own bed. I love you guys :)